19 Do’s and Don’ts for Interacting with People with Disabilities

Hello everyone! Marissa here. In honor of my 19th birthday (today!) I will be writing our blog post this month. It’s all about the do’s and don'ts when interacting with a person with a disability. I socialize with people every day who treat me differently or talk to me in a certain manner that is quite condescending. The thing is, though, most of the time it is not the person demonstrating these behavior’s fault. It is often the way they were raised and that there is little to no outward communication and education on this topic...and that’s why I’m here today writing this: to educate and bring awareness to this ever so prevalent issue. So, without further ado, here we go!

1. DON’T: talk down to us. We understand what you're saying and if we don’t, it’s likely that we’ll ask! We are not toddlers that need to have things dumbed down for us. Unless it’s math, which at least in my case, I will need dumbed down for me.

2. DO: ask first if you want to help us by pushing our chair or assisting anyone with other assistive devices. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve felt someone grab my chair and begin pushing me or doing other things for me without asking first because they want to help. Something this could lead to is actually hindering our ability to grow and learn to do things by ourselves. Helping is okay! Just make sure we want/need it first.

3. DON’T: kick the backs of our chairs or mess with them or any equipment we may have in any manner. Apart from being unsanitary, it is also frustrating when our chairs are used as toys or playgrounds. For those of us who use wheelchairs (or even walkers, standers etc.) we regard it as a part of our body. So, it is quite a breach of personal space and our own bodies for people to touch and fiddle with the equipment we use to get around. I know most of the time it’s done without thinking, so you may not even know you’re doing it. Just take the time to be aware!

4. DO: ask questions! It’s okay to ask questions! Like with some of the things previously listed, we will most likely tell you if we’re not okay with answering. I hear and see parents, other family and friends all the time reprimanding those they see asking questions, because they think it’s rude. While I do appreciate people trying to teach others about what may be seen by a person with a disability as rude, I would appreciate it more if you let others ask questions of us and let us tell them what’s rude or not ourselves. Because while some questions are of course offensive and/or inappropriate, not allowing others (or yourself, for that matter) to ask questions openly can lead to staring or even bullying. With all of this being said, let me also ask you this; how will you know for sure what questions or other things may be rude if you don’t ask someone who’s a part of the community you may or may not be offending? This point brings us to…

5. DO: let us educate about our own disabilities! It is not helpful to us if those without disabilities or any connection to disability try to educate on what we live through every day. If you’d like to help educate on it as a person without a disability you can of course do your research (make sure it’s a reliable source before taking it as fact) and most importantly, just listen to those who have disabilities! It’s not hard to find us, I promise.

6. DON’T: portray someone with a disability. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, this means Halloween, and any other situation you may be put in where you have the opportunity to portray someone with any kind of disability. While there are some exceptions of this in TV/film, (for example, Freddie Highmore who plays Sean Murphy, a character with autism, on The Good Doctor) the exceptions are very thin. If you’re put in this position, please strive to be like Freddie and do your research. While also making sure the people you’re representing are comfortable with you, as a person without a disability, representing them and the disabled community as a whole. (That being said, it is still extremely important for you to note , ONLY PORTRAY someone with a disability if it is specifically stated and necessary.)

7. DO: acknowledge us. This mainly goes out to doctors, but there is something to be taken away for everybody. Please, if we are in a doctor's appointment with you, talk to us AND our parent(s) or guardian(s). I cannot tell you how many situations I’ve been in where my parents are talked to and I’m not even regarded as a real person. It’s like I’m invisible in a way. Which is extremely frustrating when I am the one who knows my body best. I am incredibly thankful for all of my doctors and physicians who work tirelessly to take care of me and all their other patients, I’m simply trying my best to educate on this and many other important subjects that need to be addressed so that we all may be treated properly and equally.

8. DON’T: use derogatory terms, especially in a casual manner. (Such terms include: The r-word, cripple, the m-word, saying you or others are “super ADHD today”, asking someone if they’ve taken their meds, etc.)

9. DON’T: make comments about wishing you had a disability. Yes, I and many others are proud of being individuals with disabilities. But, comments about wishing your legs didn’t work or you could sit all day don’t help us and could potentially be harmful.

10. DO: your research on your own and don’t strictly rely on us to educate you about the wondrous world of disability. (Yes, that was an Anthony Padilla reference.) However great it is for you to ask our preferences and viewpoints regarding our own disabilities and the disabled community, we are not there to be encyclopedias for all things disability. That’s what the internet is for, to educate us on all the things we need to know! (Please, as you do research of any kind on this topic, make sure it’s from a reliable source!)

11. DO: treat us as individuals. Though we are all a part of the same community, we each have our own opinions on all kinds of things, whether it be regarding the disabled community, representation and lack thereof etc.

12. DO: meet us on our level. When we are having a conversation, it’d be much appreciated if you got on our eye level or lower, even, for those of us who use any kind of device for mobility assistance or are of shorter stature. It is extremely hard on our bodies to have to look up when talking to people. It can also affect us quite a lot mentally in feeling like we are unable to connect with those we’re talking to. Plus, eye contact when talking to anyone, regardless of that person's physicality is always nice!

13. DO: talk to us about things other than our disabilities! Yes, it is nice when we’re able to talk about it and state our opinion on things that have to deal with our community freely and openly. But, it’s not the only defining point of our lives! Sometimes it can actually be better for us to veer away from the topic and discuss something else entirely. 

14. DON’T: interrupt service animals. I think this should go without saying, but I’m going to list it anyway. When we have service dogs and they have their vests on, please ask before petting them or interacting with them in general. If you talk to them or try to play with them while they’re working, that is a distraction and can be detrimental to them doing the tasks they’re trained to do. You can ask to interact with them, just please don’t get offended or angry if the owners say no. 

15. DO: laugh with us. If we make a joke about our disability, please feel free to joke with us! Humor is a necessity; just be sure to not be hateful or use derogatory language. For me, making jokes about my chair and other features of my disability is a huge coping mechanism, and others joking with me makes it not as big of a deal.

16. DON’T: get offended for us. If we’re not mad about something, it probably means it’s not offensive to us! For example: Even though I don’t agree with the way Artie and Quinn were portrayed on Glee, when they sang I’m Still Standing, I found it hilarious, and the irony impeccable! It is for sure something I would do. I do know of some people without disabilities, though, who think it must be offensive to the disabled community. And while it may be to some, I’m sure a lot of us, like myself, actually find it quite funny! So, just to recap, if those of us with disabilities get offended, feel free to get offended as well. It’s awesome when you stand up for us (pun intended) when we need it. But, if we don’t, then you don’t have to either. This could be considered as a non-disabled savior complex and ableist, even if it is innocent in intent. Confused? That’s okay. When in doubt, listen to the disabled community around you, and follow our lead.

17. DON’T: use or take advantage of things meant for people with disabilities (invisible or otherwise) if you can avoid it! Such things include: accessible bathrooms, parking spaces (and the crosswalks attached) and even elevators and wheelchair lifts. Let me be clear: I’m not talking about the moment when the only stall open is the wheelchair accessible stall and you feel like you can’t hold it any longer, so you must use that particular one. Don’t be scared that the wheelchair police are coming after you. If you have to go, go! Just be mindful of using these accessible options out of convenience to you. If you find yourself pulling into the accessible parking space because you just “need to run in here real quick”, pause and rethink your intentions. 

18. DO: be mindful of your intentions. Along with rethinking your intentions about using an accessible bathroom stall, parking spot or the elevator, I’d also like you to think about your intentions when befriending someone with a disability and why you adapt your mannerisms when interacting with a person with a disability. There are too many times to name that someone’s befriended me because they think of me as someone who can educate them and answer their questions about disability, or they think it’d be cool to have a friend in a wheelchair because the equipment I have may be fun to play with. Or they feel bad for me because I must have a hard life being in a wheelchair and/or I must not have many friends. The truth is that I don’t have many friends, but the friends I have I know are genuine. I’ve also had so many people get down to my eye level in a condescending manner. I do think that becoming friends with a person with a disability and/or kneeling down to talk to them is a great thing to do, if and only if, you have the right intentions. If you are doing either of these for the wrong reasons, it can actually feel quite demeaning and degrading. So, please, just make sure your heart is in the right place when interacting with an individual with a disability!

19. DON’T: treat us like we’re delicate flowers. We are not breakable. Despite popular belief, we can take criticism and talk about things that may be hard to talk about. We don’t need to be sheltered from things that may hurt us. A lot of people think our lives are hard enough as it is without bringing other things in that are difficult to deal with emotionally or mentally. The thing is, we shouldn’t be babied or sheltered from anything else we may have to deal with just because we may go through things every day that would be harder for someone who isn’t in our position. We should be spoken to just like anyone else, no matter what the topic of discussion may be. Our life isn’t automatically harder because we live life differently. We just have a different, (and I believe pretty cool) perspective of how life works.

And that’s it for now! Thank you so much for reading this and thank you to my family for helping me write some of it. I hope you enjoyed reading it and found it insightful on how to treat people with disabilities. I can’t wait to write more of these soon. But, until then, happy holidays everyone!

At newly nineteen years old, Marissa McLaughlin is one of the oldest patients known to be diagnosed with HBSL. As a patient advocate, she hopes to inspire a community where other young people affected by chronic and rare diseases can share their stories, concerns, joys, and fears authentically and truthfully without judgement.

Outside of her advocacy work, Marissa loves all things musical theater and hopes to follow in Ali Stroker’s footsteps as a Broadway actress who uses a wheelchair for mobility assistance. An avid Beatles, Shawn Mendes, Hamilton, Spring Awakening, and Disney fan; you’ll never find her not listening to music. She herself plays piano, ukulele, sings, and composes music. Marissa also enjoys writing (plays, scripts, and short stories), chicken noodle soup, and recommending lists of books to all her friends.